Just got home from Olathe and seeing the folks out there.
I started putting up all the old pictures here on the site over the weekend, and I ran out of steam quickly after just putting up what I had for 2004. I’m less interested in swimming around in memories at the moment than I am in moving forward, however incrementally. There’s no magic in my past. There’s little use in it as an escape, since I know every step of the story so far and can feel the plot limping along from one stumble to the next. There were colorful moments along the way and much happiness, however ephemeral. But there was also much misery, and my attachment to all that only clouds my judgment today.
I started my school today and aborted at the end of the first module. I’ll pick it up again tomorrow and go at it once more and keep going at it. I got rattled this morning pretty easily, but that’ll pass.
I’m supposed to ask myself some simple questions every night before I turn in. Was I resentful? Dishonest? Selfish? Afraid? Do I owe anyone an apology? Have I kept something to myself that should be discussed with someone else before I sleep? I don’t generally make it to the end of the day with anything like that hanging over my head, at least nothing that burns very brightly. But how do I define my honesty? And when am I not self-centered most of the time? I’m almost completely self-contained, though in recent months I’ve made it a point to be open to interacting with others on terms other than my own whenever possible. That, for me, is distinctly uncomfortable at times, but I’m somewhat looser and more reasonable as a result of it all.
I had dinner with George tonight. It’s been a couple of weeks at least since I last broke bread with him and talked. He asked as we left Mi Mexico if I wanted to spend more time visiting, and I begged off, saying I didn’t feel comfortable having him stay up too late and drive in the dark. I had things to do before heading to Olathe, and the dogs had been alone in the RV for a while. But I’d like to spend more time with him, just the same. He tethers me, and I act like an adult around him.
I packed away most of my punk shirts in a plastic tub this evening. I have more stuff to pack away, like extra towels and such. I’ll just leave handy what I really use and need on a regular basis. It’s 1030 now, and I should crawl in bed with Buddy and get some rest. Tonight I’m thankful for today. I’m thankful that I’m sober. I’m thankful for my friends near and far. I’m thankful for George. I’m thankful for the companionship of my dogs. I’m thankful for a roof over my head and food to eat. I’m thankful for my health. I’m glad that I have some peace. No more “manic nights spent speculating in the place where love is sold by orange neon glaring light”.
This week I should receive my school materials and my Bakunin and Kropotkin books.
i’m sleepy. Goodnight.