Daily Archives: December 14, 2016

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

I have too many books open currently. I was happy to be reading again, but my focus has diffused over too many titles. I have The Spanish Anarchists, Merton’s Ascent to Truth, Ram Dass, Rudolph Rocker’s intro to Anarcho-Syndicalism, and another I can’t remember offhand. This will never do. This is also a nice problem to have at the moment.

This is the first year in many years in which I have planted no trees at all. I regret that a great deal. I’ve planted nothing this year. It is the time of year when I would otherwise be planning my garden for winter and spring, and the lack of that activity is suddenly a void I’m noticing. It may be a long time before I am able to once again have my hands in the dirt in a substantial way. I was unsure if that desire was even authentic to me, but I’m beginning to see that it really is. I was walking the dogs this morning pre-dawn and began sculpting the vacant lot behind the Days Inn next door in my mind and filling it with trees and swales and landscape features to optimize its potential. It is a smallish plot of just a few acres of adobe clay and scrub, but I had it teeming with growth in a few short minutes mentally.

I may have no gift for accomplishing any of that. I know other people who dive right in without a second thought and achieve much where I only imagine it. But I can’t help imagining it everywhere I go. It’s where my mind ventures automatically when I’m not overwhelmed by anxiety and dread or regrets.

I miss gardening with Josh. I miss building with Chris and tinkering around with things. I miss the act of using my imagination and seeing things grow. I miss my sandbox. I miss having Big Plans all the time.

Maybe I fucked everything up. I was lost. I’m still lost in a very real sense. I’m in limbo at the moment. But I have an inkling of a sense of what is real for me now that much of the clutter has been wiped away or tossed for good. I have something to want again that feels authentic to me. I can be happier wanting than I ever could dreading the future. I can endure anything if there is a kernel of desire in my mind for once again feeling dirt between my toes.

It’s possible that I could do all of that right here in the Uncompahgre Valley somewhere. I suddenly have the urge to play again.

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Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Well, I had another of those classes this evening and learned something new. I’m not court-referred to these, but I suppose I will be in the future. I didn’t think it would hurt to let them enroll me in them in any case. And I enjoy inter-acting with the other clients and getting out of the house for a couple of hours to make the short walk over there every Tuesday night. But I didn’t think I would learn something I hadn’t heard before.

The woman who facilitates the class told me tonight that addiction is not a disease. She said we are responsible for our addiction. I told her that the AMA had classified it as a disease in 1973, and she said, “That’s changed.”

I don’t think she’s correct about that, actually, but I didn’t argue. She said, “I don’t believe that relapse is a part of recovery the way they say in AA.”

Well, they don’t say that.  Relapse is never a part of recovery. Relapse isn’t a part of the recovery in any disease. Hence the “relapse” part. And yeah, I’ve heard plenty of people in 12-step programs say that relapse has played a part in their recovery, and I get it. But it’s really just a part of their story. And what they’re saying doesn’t speak for 12-step programs as a whole. I would like to ask her if she believes that the brain chemistry of an addict is different, because that appears to be the latest scientific consensus. Perhaps she is a facilitator on the side with the Smart Recovery people in town or somethin. I’m not sure. I don’t really care. But I’m curious where she stands on current scientific data.  I mean, she does work at the Center for Mental Health, so it would be a comfort to know that she’s on the same page as everyone else.

The best thing that has happened for me this past week has been talking to someone who is having a really rough time with all this in his own life. I also hooked a guy up with my truck so he could find a job and get to work and back, since I’m unable to drive for nine months anyway. And I started doing my schoolwork in earnest and have done well so far on the first couple of modules. I have an arraignment on Friday in Gunnison County where I’ll finally find out when my court date will be. I’m supposed to get an appointment with a psychiatrist to do a complete psych evaluation on me and also get a complete physical sometime soon. Perhaps they’ll find that I have inoperable brain cancer, so I can be tragic instead of pathetic. I don’t really wish for that, but it would likely be easier to deal with objectively. I also need to find a foster home for Otis. I think I have one for Buddy already. I’m not eager to turn either of them loose, even though it would be logistically much easier and simpler for me to do everything I am required to do without having to care for them. They’re all I have left.

I sent out Christmas cards last week for the first time in years, and I had fun doing it. I was a little shocked at how expensive they were, but I didn’t buy cheap cards. Everyone I know well is at least a thousand miles away, so it helped me to reach out in longhand for a change.

I put my house on the market yesterday. It’s already been shown once in that time. That will give me a boost in my finances if it sells before I go to court.

I trust that everything is going to be fine, even if it’s not always fun. I’m always curious about what’s going to happen next anyway.

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