Butch
Iguana iguana rhinolopa var. cantancerus

 

the most opinionated iguana in the world.

 

The GREAT LIZARD is my guide; I shall not want.

She maketh me to recline upon the green treetops; she leadeth me beside the still waters that I may take a dump and swim to shore unmolested by jaguars and hungry villagers.

She restoreth my soul and my scales; she leadeth me in the path of righteousness and proper digestion for her name's sake.

Yea, though I walk on the foul ground, an easy meal for any who might want to taste of me, I will fear no evil; for thou art with me; thy dewlap and thy spines and thy tail, they comfort me.

Thou preparest a spacious cage for me, complete with heat rock and many comfortable perches; thou anointest my head with fine sprays of water; my salad bowl runneth over.

Surely ease and abundant warmth shall follow me all the days of my life; and I will dwell in the house of the GREAT LIZARD forever.

 

You are cordially invited, unworthy though you be, to join her and revel in the unfailing accuracy of her observations.

Detours for the Weak of Heart and Mind

Loonies of any orientation whatsoever with nothing better to do than cruise heathen Web sites and be shocked, please click HERE.

Repeat visitors who are too stupid to appreciate the wisdom of BUTCH but not so stupid, alas, to forget how to breathe or at least to type, please click HERE.

Disclaimer

Given the retrogressive state of U.S. copyright laws, original works by lizards are not protected; however, BUTCH's companion human, Gregor Everitt, otherwise known as That Which Provides Food, will be more than happy to claim all the kudos, monetary rewards, promises of sexual favors, job offers, and other preferments that might otherwise be the rightful due of BUTCH. Therefore, this site and everything within ten feet of your computer while viewing it, including you, your assigns, and your heirs in perpetuity, are copyright © 2001 by Gregor Everitt. (Thanks for the original psychotic BUTCH background art, Scott, as well as for inspiring the rest.)

The copyright holder, not being BUTCH, must not be held responsible for any of BUTCH's opinions, as they are solely those of BUTCH; any seizures, heart attacks, fits of pique, burst blood vessels, lost erections, spilled breakfast cereal, blighted crops, traumatized orphans, or other mishaps resulting from the ingestion of materials offered in this Web site are thus not his problem. Please be a big boy or girl or alluring melange thereof and deal with it. God knows some of your opinions would empty a crowded theatre in a hurry if you had the gonads to let them be known, eh?

If you are a literary agent, talent scout for a wildly creative and remunerative workplace, or otherwise the herald of a ship that has come in, BUTCH promises to be very friendly to you and to treat you with the utmost respect.

The Transcription Procedure

That Which Provides Food transcribes BUTCH's essays and rants by means of a complicated system that interprets her tail twitches, blank stares, scale scratching, head bobbing, food consumption (taking into consideration speed and aggressiveness as well as the nature of the food being consumed), and elimination (taking into consideration the ratio of solid to liquid matter as well as any accompanying noises) into standard American English. Hence, these transcriptions are of the nature of an oracle. That Which Provides Food craves BUTCH's indulgence and forgiveness if he has conveyed the intended purport of any of these essays in a less than completely accurate manner and apologizes to readers as well for any misapprehension of the text caused by such lapses. Only rarely, however, has That Which Provides Food encountered transcriptions that defy logic, grammar, or common sense or incomprehensible yet compelling gibberish, so he is fairly sure that which is presented here is acceptable in BUTCH's eyes.