Sestina 4

If I could keep affections in order,
a structured, stepwise ranking I could grade
against a grand hierarchical plan
begotten by no fickle-feeling heart.
Then perhaps I could live without the fear
of consequences I have created.

Perhaps it lies within the created
being's purview not to know or order
what lies outside our ken; I shouldn't fear
however that I will not make the grade
and be judged lacking of a faithful heart,
because the damage wasn't in the plan.

And truthfully I really didn't plan
at all – no malice. I just created
under tyranny of impulsive heart,
of love-starved chaos; there was no order
to my actions, there was no higher grade
of consideration, no proper fear.

The beginning of wisdom is the fear
of God, I was taught; but I tried to plan,
manipulate, deceive myself and grade
the many-chambered house I created
according to self-determined order,
compartmentalizing a human heart.

But there was nothing at the very heart
of what I did but stark self-centered fear
and willful lack of trust in God's order,
compelling Byzantine impulse to plan
unconsciously; this creature created
an abomination of a lower grade.

The path back out is of a steeper grade
than that which easily destroyed the heart
of friendship and dear feeling created
early on when we gave no rein to fear
and did not see disaster in the plan
of free affection's natural order.

But Grace will smooth the grade and face the fear,
And in contrition my heart finds a plan
In what's created in loving order.